First draft.

"Who'd really want to hear the backstreets of my mind?"

Third floor of the southbank.

We've asked questions about writing and what to say, 

I have a problem with pushing too much back. 

Putting too much behind when the words that inspire 

are the ones people stutter to say something that's been

building up and swirling around their head for months

and when they break through each one's a release of honesty that 

chills your bones. 

When everyone left we went to the pub.

Had a few drinks and you talked about your ex

how you've left her for the next and you're worried

because it's not confirmed and you don't know what's next

and you've been worried about losing peers respect.

Friends respect. My respect. I took a gulp.

Gulp. Said don't worry, you're doing what you think is right.

You're following your heart so there's no regrets.

And I started to feel words leap frog over what was planned

I closed them down. Shut them down. Shut up. proper obvs.

But words never really go, they'll come through

just directed at others, the people who'll forgive you

for saying reckless stuff but I haven't lashed out,

I've kept it in, pushed it back to the backstreets of my mind.

And who'll really want me to call you a cunt?

We've been here before

when a one night stands last three months

it becomes harder to come apart

and harder to accept every time you leave

is a potential break up.

after a girl and a gig I'll find a bus home to fall

asleep,

It's not a complaint, this is the live I've chosen

to live.

not like my hand wasn't forced but I'll take what

I can get.

A sunny street, oranje juice, polish donut

and real as it gets from the blueprint three.

I didn't get myself out of a place I hated,

instead did renovations.

The man who once held my body in his hands

trusts his life into mine.

One day I'll provide

but now I can't shoot low and aim aim high

Now everything is undone while intertwined

unravels and everything i love leaves me behind

well you know what that's fine. Fucking great.

Keep as straight as you think straight is.

She only wants what was,

and she must have wanted me so much

because she pushed me so hard

It's not her fault, 

she didn't know I still had my dreamcast

that I've got a lockjaw for loyalty.

didn't have to turn my friends into enemies.

I can't keep on losing them.

coming back to this blog.

Telling stories about Max and Jade

when I haven't seen either for months.

Once girl came into the midst of it all

I'd see her every week in east london

we'd talk about big krit and 2chainz

and we'd kiss all night at her place

she's the closest thing to calm I've ever felt.

I don't even know if I miss her.

crushing.

If I was her when I met me I'd handle that nineteen year old with care.
I'd keep in contact as much as possible, I'd try to take him to new places
Meet my friends, show him his talents. I wouldn't want to alienate him
when drinking and pretending to fit in while he watches me be different.
Different to how I was when we first met. I'd want him to remind me of who I was.
I'd want him to inspire me as much I hopefully do him. And when I read beautiful words.
Words about me. Seeing me in a light I don't believe I deserve to be in.
I'll tell him how beautiful each one is while walking that tightrope thin line
between telling him how special he is while not leading him on.
I'd spend more alone time with him, trusting that, although he loves me,
He respects the fact that I don't feel the same way- that I'm too self obsessed
and focused on success to give anyone any spare space in my head.
I wouldn't kiss him, I'd probably come close by accident
but wouldn't give into my weakness. It'd be too much for him.
We'd talk about music, I'd give him the names of bands that'll change his life like they did mine.
He could do whatever he wanted with my name, put it on social networking sites
give me a new one. I'd smile at thunderbolt. I'd tell him I loved him and
regret it because I didn't mean it like that I I
I wouldn't leave him alone so suddenly. I wouldn't cut him off
in such a way that'd have him scarred for the rest of my life. His life.
and have pictures of my new dude on facebook. I
wouldn't ignore him for the sake of another man's insecurity.

I'd want to love him the way he loves me. I'd really want to.
But I wouldn't be able to. I'm twenty something and too far gone.
Pretending to be a grown up and impressing peers that don't have half my heart
and I'd make sure you know that no one has have half your talent.
You're really fucking special. You need to know that I love you in a way
that hurts me too because I know the love I have for you isn't the one you want
and anything other than what you want is seen as a rejection but it's not.
I'd like to see you and be open again. For you to see what's within
I'm too broken right now for kisses for anyone I want to know forever though.
I want to know you for forever though.

If i was her I'd still want to know him. I'd want to keep in check.
See if he's ready to be friends yet.

If I was in this position, I'd hope he'd understand.

I miss my friend.

Give a girl your heart

but don't get angry at her when she breaks it.

It's like a comedian taking compliments for being brave

and then blames the audience when he gets booed offstage

a boxer doesn't complain when he gets hit

don't enter the game if you don't know how to play it

I saw you and instantly wanted to know more

friends told me to stay away

said I didn't know the score

all I saw was the figure eights

in everything you wore,

All you ever talked of was

the men that came before

you'd sleep with a man

and it'd tear me apart

so I'd sleep with two women

and tell you. You'd laugh.

You can't get a grip

here's my heart.

Don't feel like a git

because you let it slip

we can't choose who we fall in love with

That's a pain I've felt before

a pain I can deal with

It's what you did afterwards

that makes me feel different

that's a pain that's new

has me avoiding places we went to

avoiding friends we call mutual

I still don't want to make it clear

that I don't hate you
If only for the reason that
I don't want to give anything to you.

I only hate this situation

and how you've defined yourself too soon.

I lost two best friends to that one night stand

Him a best man

you a not so much next girl

but watch dvd box sets

talk about my ex girl

go to bed and how our toes curl

sorry for rhyming girl with girl

I know you wouldn't improve

I hope you never have to write

a love poem for a better writer

than you.

I'm getting off track.

I heard tangents are good.

It's my fault for not manning up

For not telling you I was in love

you'd sleep around and I'd just watch

I slept with twenty women last summer

just to get over your touch

Tried racking up points to build up confidence

then you went and slept with my confidant

truth is, it was never about the score, but the goal.

It's football with playground rules

no free-kicks or throw-ins

it gets kicked out

opportunity is for the one who can run

as long as you're single,

you can have whatever you want.

I knew that

didn't think it would hurt

or hurt this much

now at parties we're

right next to each other

with a grand canyon

filled with apologies and confessions

we don't know how to say that

separates us.

And the rubies know I'm always happy to go on first

but this time, I can't be the one to jump

and I don't want her to either

because she misses me as a friend

and I miss the chance of having what could have been

what could have been is always beautiful

people still thought we were just each others jump off

that's cool. They can think what they want

I just wish we never believed them

Woke up five ours ago

went for a run, checked the time

nine am. I miss my friend.

And it's a shame

that this has to be how it ends

knowing that we've regressed

Who goes from secrets to small talk.

It stresses me out

I've kept a lid on myself for so long

I don't even know what I'm trying to

stop coming from my mouth

Were never going to talk again

and if we ever do

it'll only be through this pen

nothing to say to you

other than it's 12 o'clock

and I miss my friend.

A piece from an OLLLLD notebook.

Trying to keep a semblance of normality
when you couldn't be further from it
looking at your attempt
is one of the funniest things on this planet
did you embrace the change or runaway?
and how many people will it take
to ask if you're okay before you realise-
you're really not. When your stop comes
and you beg for one more stop
but you've got to get off
you've got to move
because what was then
not being what is now
doesn't mean you're not
the same dude
it just means you've got
some shit to go through.
I know this because
I've been through it too.
One day you're going to be me
and every room you'll walk in
you'll be able to suss
the wankers from those
you can trust.

My love.

My love doesn't reply to my texts,
belittles me among friends,
and when we're alone she only
ever talks of other men.
My love is mine, half the time
My love doesn't want to go home
she wants to know where to go
when the pubs close.
My love's luck has ran out
her weight fluctuates
My love doesn't fit in
but hates standing out
My love has had enough of love
and wants to be someone else
She calls me at her worst
and only in poems do I confess
my urge to be hers
She's up to her neck in ugliness
and couldn't be more beautiful
for it.
She's beaten, down and out but can't
forfeit.
She's taken everything thrown at her
and moved forward.
My love has me chasing the high
of the first time seeing her
genuinely smile.
My love was mine
but it was only for a while.

play the game.

I remember being told
I was on a wayward track
I asked that teacher
if there was anything wrong with that
Never paid attention in lessons
couldn't hear answers
had too too many questions
schooled after class
couldn't sleep at night
my mind was too fast
teachers never got me right
taught in remedial
it's shocking what a label can do
Now I live with a point to prove
past the point where I don't
feel like I'm still in school
Not a day when
my eye's not on the ball
And every day I ball harder
I'm counted out
like it's the two thousand and two
F.A. Cup semi final
and my name is ray Parlour.
Next thing you know
it's the two thousand and two
F.A. Cup semi final
and "it's only Ray Parlour"