eighty one.

Never have i thought of these scribbles as poems

to me, they've always been sort of confessions

the thoughts i was too scared to say to my aimee

the feelings i was afraid to feel, and if i put it down

i could pretend they weren't real, just entertainment

but to all my friends, to my mum and dad

who read these things and may think im sad

please believe it's simply the outlet for a darker side.

ah,

most of the time we'll crack a joke 

but rest assured every man has once been a sad bloke.

What to do what to do...

Promise the heavens you'll love her forever

But does forever end when she finds another?

watching his arm shield, protect and hook over

taking for granted that palm in his like you never

your neck wants to carry your head away but your feet

your feet cannot move because they know your

knees are weak. and you smile and nod because

it's impossible to speak, just a crackle and creek.

The love consumes all until it's all you are

Which means hiding a complete self when seeing her

hoping she can't tell it's putting you through hell

you're hiding that beautiful inner romantic

all these wonderful things and you can't tell her about it

because if you love someone, there's a need to see them happy

no matter how much it hurts you,

their pleasure makes the pain worth going through

Sometimes you wonder if you're just playing a martyr

other times you don't know if the pain can get pushed any further
and the rest of the time you pray to be stronger

so you can see her pretty face again.
Promise the heavens you'll love her forever
do you love her enough to never tell her?

Tell me it gets better.

My friend,
Tell me it gets better
Promise the rain will fall no further
That the grass will grow greener
The kitchen will become cleaner
That this heart will flutter
At the sound of your laughter

And don’t you make a promise you cannot keep
For too many lies have kept me from sleep.

My lost one,
Hold me a little closer
Caress like we are two together
Just until I can recover,
Just until the day of forever
Hold tight like you thought you’d never
Kissing in the manner of a one true lover

And if it is truly impossible to hold me right
I will simply lay alone on another sleepless night

My Lord,
Let the sun become symbolic
So darkness may learn from it
And the largest trees may grow vines upon them
So I can climb to the skies
And at the highest of the highs
Spread my wings like an eagle when she flies

And if the true purpose of the sun is to burn
Then I’ll turn to shade ready for another lesson to learn.

What's inside

When the moon falls to the bottom of the sky
And the plants reach feathered clouds
My headed thoughts of pillows
Filled with black haired widows ugly
Blonde monsters at least ultimate warriors
Un-starved vultures to be the prettiest
Of all.
When my mind can comprehend
A helping hand cannot repent I shall
Breathe sea air. Jump from the rocks into despair
Hoping for a woman, longing for a friend
Begging for a sibling to hear my to hear my
Cry for a little more time. 
A day to get my shit
Together so I can weather the storm that is life
Because whatever thunder does,
If it is not for my advantage it will hurt
Hits not through but just in
like a slow bullet shot from
an old gun at the hands of a
classic cowboy wearing tattered rags
Worn out shoes; moccas I could only
Hope to walk a mile in.
Thoughts of cowboys eventually lead
to thoughts of you
the way most thoughts eventually do, 
I grab a backpack and fill it with
the memories of a kite hill view
a smile of someone I thought I knew
two lost heartbeats and a crickelwood crew
but nothing from you apart from the feeling
of horses riding without owners you distilled in me
and sadly, cream. Fortunately, dream: nothing
but a thing. and age ain't nothin' but a number
so like a fine wine I'll slumber
in the middle of summer of middle-
Oh America
I am yours.
the same way to the grave a hurst roars
or panic towards the sight of unlocked doors
So when the sun rises higher than heaven
and when the love of one stops me guessin'
and when we're all alone., together.
Have him hold my place for now honey
so when I get my shit together
(as I said earlier)
The storm that is life can just feel like a
summer breeze so weez wheeze like
our heart has sneezed at my shocking
nose bleedz. so he can take my place
but let him know, any time I want it
I could take it, but something inside me says
if i had it, I probably wouldn't even want it
so let me run. run like sonic collecting
golden rings chaos emeralds only things;
just like dreams. Just like age. Just like money,
and I think of money
and just as always
I think of you
and how you struggled, what you had to go through
Oh America
I am you!
Razor love is playing.
I wonder if my love could cut clean through
and just like all wonder
if things could get better if they found something new
what do you want with me?
some days you forget how I should be dealt with
but it's my fault.
I keep forgetting the very sight of you
causes pain but i love you so much
I'll do it again.
and i think of hurt
and just like all thoughts...
Oh America
Help me pull through.

same old.

1.

Hanging out with sadness makes one lonely

for sadness always makes terrible company

but when all talent you find becomes weary

and when it's said love gets in the way of success

(especially if you're in love with an actress)

one would wonder;

isn't love-when shared- a success in itself?

Or just a veil masking your global inadequacy?

I'm banking on the latter

2.

waiting for father and roswell plays

but my mind cannot help but stray

i wonder if she cares still

if she knows where i can be found

maybe its the result of a rebound

entirely probable statistically

logical, at least with the pen and pad

there is still entertainment to be had

but chest aches, every time

a breath escapes the shoulders fall

the eysbrows tense and always

walking serious. hah. supposedly

To get L-one off a mind there are possibilities

a fuck that is quick should do the trick

but to go down any old road again is a trek

swear down one must get out of L-D-N

cannot walk down same old buildings again

Every week is the same cycle.

only thing one should really do is escapeescapeescape!

E-to the- L ope. S-to the-O how 

                                                  'bout 

                                                   we 

                                                   go 

                                                   chi-ca-go!

friend, relate.

Threw away a fun friendship
For a serious relationship
Traded a meaningful courtship
For a one-night partnership
Lost a heart of gold
To a life of old
trapped the lost girl
for unrequited desires
but she was so pretty
and exposed all the liars
fixed such broken veins
for a release of pain
she sipped your life
in through a straw
left your emotions
on the other side of the door
you were meant to feel for more
instead walk through life
longing for the cold pain
the thin slice sliding across
red slowly pours and climbs
longing to be free, just like me,
i, a bit like you, threw away
a meaningful relationship
for a one night partnership
supported an indignant claim
(an excuse) for a life of fame
but now all i want
is....

i just, don't know anymore.
god help me. I'm so lost.

Be real.

who is he?

who is this dude you seem to be hiding from me?

and more importantly

what does he mean to you?

are you hiding out of embarrassment?

Ashamed that this man is calling your name?

oh i see, you're hiding because you know that

he's not worthy in comparison to - well, i don't want to brag.

or is it because you're scared to confess

you've fallen in love with someone else?

either way I'm not sure i want to know

i'd rather just believe the former

and still dream that i am your lover

and when you're alone you're dreaming of us together

and in substitute of me you've taken up, this

this

this dude

Who is he?

not that i, y'know, i mean.

I don't care.

I mean, i really don't. you're happy? that's good. that's all i need to know. Am i needed? no? okay. I'll go.

but, is he your halo?

when you talked about that song, man...

No i don't want to know. just keep me upbeat my sweet so i can keep my light feet.

but. no. but.

                               no never mind

                                                          it's cool

                                                                         it's cool

Fear for thoughts.

It hurts to love you
but it hurts more
to be without you
 
Not wanting to crowd
but don't want you thinking
I don't want to be around
A million thoughts
run through my mind
at the speed of sound
at the exact same time
 
"Does she still want me,
Physically?"
"Can't go back to how things where"
"Maybe she wants to go back
to how things where?"
"To close myself now I'd
be shut down forevermore"
 
It's like
we're hiding
and that's
hurting
When alone
when we're at home
she falls to my grace
and I relax, cry,
laugh and lie
with her.
 
I wish she'd just
jump in with me
instead I'm
Falling
She's
Watching
He's in the wings
waiting
they're in the theatre
acting
badly
gossiping
about me.
 
You... understand right?
All I want to do is hold you tight
but if you pretend
we are not
what we are
how can you expect me
to stay the night?
 
I wish I could tell you
That
I'm not a killer
but I'd kill for you
and that
I'm not a quitter
but I'd die for you
but come on,
would you want me to?
Because while it hurts to love you
and it hurts more to be without you
I'll die before before I ever burden you.

Lonesome road.

I used to be the man she was needing

'till she bit the hand from which she was feeding

now I'm being strong

I'm leaving

but it wont be long

because i've been walking along

this lonesome road too long

I was just a stranger

before i met her

another weary traveller

in a lonesome bar

drinking alone

too scared to go home

because home was just too far

Such cold nights

hurt the weakest the most

for there where no eyes

in the london sky

so if I didn't make it back

not even the stars

could watch me die

I would feel so hollow

and I'd wonder why, asking

"where did the man inside me go?"

Perhaps i left him in the ring

knocked cold from that killer blow

She used to look at me

like I was the only thing

She needed to see

now if they ever truly connect

all I'll get is boredom and dread

as if what i will say

could ruin what's left

and it's true

if i start talking

I don't know what will come out next

so we're trapped in a stalemate

bound together from fear

of loneliness

But I loved her and I gave her all i had to give

now i've got nothing else within

I'm withered and thin

weathered and old

to think i once stayed in

from the cold

For loving her is like

walking on the sun

you know i think it just

can't be done

from the sorrow i try to run

but I'm tethered to her

on a rope made of history

there is no doubt

she'll be the death of me

I will O.D. on misery.

I used to be the man she was needing

'till she bit the hand from which she was feeding

now the dream does pour

Like the whiskey I'm drinking

the glass feels good

within my haggard paws

to hold me again

I wish you would

to die my friend

I wish I could.

Run.

Faced with the fear

but fought it back down

took his girl and he left town

before you know it

they hit the ground

with the unicorn

she's safe and sound

like the london clouds

he'll always be around.

Monsters.

Everywhere I go monsters follow

Always I try keeping them from tomorrow

As all they give is grief and sorrow

but these monsters are all I know

So how could you expect me to let them go?

Though (and between just us two)

In my mind a, white, knight, of, light does grow

with all my demons he'll stand toe-to-toe

and through each blackened heart

shall be a golden arrow shot from

a modestly wooden bow, oh

how i wish this knight will show

because whether it be monster or hero

someone has to carry me into tomorrow

for alone, no, i am just too scared to go.