tv lights.

My fingers type away at a breakneck pace, the sound fills the room followed by a little laughter. a giggle. if you will.

i didn't anticipate this. you. here. but i did dream of it. what was most magical is that the moments we shared where never the ones i wrote. or what i thought what romance was. not pizza express but greggs, though there was a smile on your face the whole time. consequently that put a smile on mine. We're watching the wild bunch. your head is on a pillow that is on my lap. we haven't kissed yet. or confessed our need to connect. and your head is on a pillow. which is on my lap. You're beginning to fall asleep and I'm almost freaked out by how effortless this all is.

I walk you to your room and tuck you in, i could have made a move, maybe you would have welcomed it, but i didn't and weirdly enough I'm thankful for it because, I've never known courtship and evidently, despite my years watching disney,

I didn't know romance.

Another walk home now. I've lived on these streets for so long, yet, never felt admitted to the club of street-dwellers. trapped in bypass, constantly walking through and past, but truly my journey is living, but my journey is spent living the same thing. Tonight these streets see me walk slow, look up and take in the view with a new perspective, My mood is reflective, almost glad for my lonesome nights, in such a crowded space not enough hold out- just cash in but it's not worth it, if another could appreciate what her hand in mine meant, they'd understand why i walk with this slow-motion-skip in my step.

The body moves too fast for the mind to comprehend the situation, under covers our energy combined pumps an adrenaline so strong the bitten necks and pulled hair is painless and- enthusiastic legs wrapped round squeeze out hidden tears that fall on the skin you've longed for-for years. I close my eyes and when they open i lose my best friend forever, and i make a silent promise to make sure i don't fuck this up. Because i don't know much. but this is a lifestyle i could get used to, and it turns out i like to be touched.

Showing my age.

some girls move one up and down

It's the best connection to get,

that's why i hate it when we

get moving up and down and she

doesn't look me in the eye.

an all too frequent effect when with

a girl that wants to see someone else

she fucks as a cry for help

it's not that I don't realize this but

I left the game for the same reason

she did not. to love with body parts

so you can silence the cry of a heart

no way will she ever be replaced

her mistakes are expressed on my face

a permanent scowl to remind lovers

we murder all things it's in out nature

staring into the reflection of my river:
My love is the very best.

the best you could find

my love is love refined

my love is love defined

a love that's never been mine

a love that is made only to save

a love that inspires adventure

a love that lets you rest for an age.

and now I say this every week

a pastor to my own sermon i preach

to not be the man who is a leach

so treasure what you got as I'm walking

without. a hand. to hold. and it's winter now

and I'm feeling cold. and i 1ook to the mirror

man I've gotten old.

       I've

            been nineteen for three years now,

Holding out for a woman that is perfection personified

two minutes of time can slide into a canyon of luxury,

bones breaking along the way, re-moulding into

something respectable; presentable.

Lets be bodies not be vegetables.
somebody's not forgettables

hurting many people in my own way.

hurting many people in my own way.

this is what i do now, play the role of a bad guy.

my whole life has been just a shade of grey

in a world where no one's good,

and no one is bad... is that true.

can anybody be-- all of one.

can anyone be all love. no.

only one can see all of love.

Believe in a, Love of you. it would be a

fine thing for sure but no, know

nothing beyond seventeen is pure.

to my second best friend

drowning my sorrows at a party, her hair
becomes a lamp post, shinning a light
on a night that was so close to being lost
the kid drunkenly walks towards.
"This guy is not a threat"
the club was big but not in V.I.P.
after-work actors do extra acting off-stage it seems
jumping off sofas, rolling on the ground
really, like you're that drunk.
"Actually he's right I'm very unthreatening"



and turned it into a cross between
the best and the worst moments of my life.
for weeks on end you where a friend
then for about a year i was pretty sure
I'd never see you again.
but there was a return.
and life was never the same
we tried for a relationship that wasn't
a relationship. It was rather ridiculous,
you can't tell someone you love them
fuck them then turn around and introduce them
as "just a friend". it was bound to end
and end badly and end badly it did.
with many tears but only from one side
it seemed the love you gave was a lie
for i never saw you care to try
looking back, maybe i tried hard
enough for the both of us.
i put the winter months behind me
and tried with you too
but being without a thunderbolt
was something Lightfoot just couldn't do
it seemed like, to you
I've never been needed
but, i've learnt a few things since i was nineteen
and one is that not all things are as they seem
i think... i think i help. And...
yeah. Keep yourself good. be good. Nah. Keep good.
how do i put this? how do i tell you-you
you're what i think of when i think something right.
you're the light at the end of the tunnel
the smile someone would come home for
the eyes that make a hard life worthwhile
It's never been about the money
It's been about doing what you love
and sharing success with the people you love
and how can i bless if you're not flying with me?
like, flying above?
Like, looking like a dove?
looking good.
Looking like we should
in short,
the more you there is the happier I'll be.
read them. reach out. you'll never be denied
dude.

I couldn't if i tried.

eighty one.

Never have i thought of these scribbles as poems

to me, they've always been sort of confessions

the thoughts i was too scared to say to my aimee

the feelings i was afraid to feel, and if i put it down

i could pretend they weren't real, just entertainment

but to all my friends, to my mum and dad

who read these things and may think im sad

please believe it's simply the outlet for a darker side.

ah,

most of the time we'll crack a joke 

but rest assured every man has once been a sad bloke.

The last poem

I know you said once, and thought about it

And if you did,
If you where to tattoo your wrists
Of all the things, you should tattoo this:
The loved one is.
Because Aimee, you are
If not by a, north Londoner
Then your mother and father
If not them, you got the princess
And if not Leah, then
Whoever has the honour
To call themselves
Your lover
Because the loved one is
And the loved one you are:
The lone wolf howling at the moon
Guided by the northern star
Showing up all those who regretted
Never taking it this far
Don’t keep that truth hid
And speak it to those
Who never knew or did, (Dig?)
If a world one wanted
Seemed too vast to start
Remember their expedition
Will keep such places apart
Removing home from the heart
Helps make your past only a part;
Giving your future useful tips
Like counting the ways
In which you are rich
(Light beneath the eyes, soft hands
Strong mind, true grit)
“And, like, man” if ever in doubt
Just…
Put these words to your lips:
The loved one I am,
(the loved one you are)
The loved one is-
Do you really need a tattoo
To remember this?
(Dig)

What's inside

When the moon falls to the bottom of the sky
And the plants reach feathered clouds
My headed thoughts of pillows
Filled with black haired widows ugly
Blonde monsters at least ultimate warriors
Un-starved vultures to be the prettiest
Of all.
When my mind can comprehend
A helping hand cannot repent I shall
Breathe sea air. Jump from the rocks into despair
Hoping for a woman, longing for a friend
Begging for a sibling to hear my to hear my
Cry for a little more time. 
A day to get my shit
Together so I can weather the storm that is life
Because whatever thunder does,
If it is not for my advantage it will hurt
Hits not through but just in
like a slow bullet shot from
an old gun at the hands of a
classic cowboy wearing tattered rags
Worn out shoes; moccas I could only
Hope to walk a mile in.
Thoughts of cowboys eventually lead
to thoughts of you
the way most thoughts eventually do, 
I grab a backpack and fill it with
the memories of a kite hill view
a smile of someone I thought I knew
two lost heartbeats and a crickelwood crew
but nothing from you apart from the feeling
of horses riding without owners you distilled in me
and sadly, cream. Fortunately, dream: nothing
but a thing. and age ain't nothin' but a number
so like a fine wine I'll slumber
in the middle of summer of middle-
Oh America
I am yours.
the same way to the grave a hurst roars
or panic towards the sight of unlocked doors
So when the sun rises higher than heaven
and when the love of one stops me guessin'
and when we're all alone., together.
Have him hold my place for now honey
so when I get my shit together
(as I said earlier)
The storm that is life can just feel like a
summer breeze so weez wheeze like
our heart has sneezed at my shocking
nose bleedz. so he can take my place
but let him know, any time I want it
I could take it, but something inside me says
if i had it, I probably wouldn't even want it
so let me run. run like sonic collecting
golden rings chaos emeralds only things;
just like dreams. Just like age. Just like money,
and I think of money
and just as always
I think of you
and how you struggled, what you had to go through
Oh America
I am you!
Razor love is playing.
I wonder if my love could cut clean through
and just like all wonder
if things could get better if they found something new
what do you want with me?
some days you forget how I should be dealt with
but it's my fault.
I keep forgetting the very sight of you
causes pain but i love you so much
I'll do it again.
and i think of hurt
and just like all thoughts...
Oh America
Help me pull through.

On that day on the way

Whether driver or passenger
We ride together
Ready to fight whenever
And laugh forever
Like the Northmen,
We're Depending on each other
But obviously
We look a little better

Our heart's been known to wither
I don't think I could do without her
She keeps me a steady fella
Her lips my umbrella-ella
I'll love her until I die
And if you don't know
Just check the eyes
When she leaves I'm not the same
She's the girl who hates the game
And I wont back down again
No I wont back down again

Your gift and curse is felt
Times I've wished another hand were dealt
But maybe our presence can be felt
After all,
I have the pen
And you read my page
We'll run for mountains
Away from our age
Like the last sage
Trapped in Loki's maze
If only our peers
Could understand our rage
At the actors and
The Writers
In this mediocre haze
Drive for days and days
Live by our cowboy desert ways
Writing books forever
Every stage shall feel our thunder
And while we're drunk on laughter
We'll see imitators pinning after

And though my anger
Will never die
I take comfort
In you hearing me cry
Not a coincidence that
The one who understands
is the only one who will listen
and we don't need Swiss cottage
underground for your
hair to glisten
and in these words
just listen clear
and in these words
just listen clear:
as long as we're near
You wont ever have to fear
And I will always be near
because the loved one
Is loved around here.

baby it's black outside

This red is a loss

It was black i missed.

Change it back because

it was black i promised

forever love for both of us.

It was black i kissed

and swirled in endless lust.

It was black black bllllaaack!

(The streaks do not highlight

but exaggerate for the eyes

already show enough

they're bright

like all the things i've said before

... And more.                                                  )

But if black hurts

and red is strong

If history makes it worse,

then flame on

If you want freedom from the curse

(the curse of loving one)

Then stray from the hurst

the true colour

of the forever loved one.