Love don't live here anymore.

Foot prints on a cloud

it's the small things i see

that remind me

you're not around.

Hearing texts

I hold my breath

I bite my tongue

to stop myself

How many stand ups
have really stood up?
I can't gig anymore
it puts my back up.
looking at picture of deadpool
and when it rings I can't pick up.

you need help?

I'll have your back

if you take my hand
but if not I don't mind
I mean I do mind
I just know it doesn't sound nice,
to put insurance on a relationship
but the last time I followed my heart
I got lost with too much left
and not enough right.

I don't know what it'll take for you to

mellow my mind.

now theres not enough time
for me to love another and myself
and if theres one thing I've learnt
from the lovers that have left me burnt
is that you should always come first

ring ring, me.
I don't want to talk.
but could you talk to me?

It's not me. It's not you.

I mean it's not me.
It's you.

The first love.

there from the start

and I don't expect you to call

but like clockwork you do.

Don't ask me if I'm well

when we both know

you're the reason I'm not.

I've been through a few changes
that've involved blowing second chances.

a part of me knows we're meant to be

but I don't know in what capacity

no one should take up every memory
so quickly.

I don't miss her.

(I don't miss her)

Only, crave.

I feel like we get calm

in the eyes of our storms

I only escape the palpitations

when I'm with the person

I'm trying to escape from.

We're a rose royce song.

about love going wrong.
but even in poems
we're not as poetic.

I keep on wanting to finish
but we're never near done
and I've left everything that
reminds me of home
so I can't blame where I'm from.

You can't understand unless
you're trying to be a grown up
in the place you grew up in
and know this new you is different
to the man that was promised.
And each pavement slab you see
is a reminder on how you haven't.

I wanted to be a super hero
all I've got now is a bullshit ego
and texts in my drafts I can't let go
and drafts on my twitter
and buttons that hover over numbers
and phone calls I can't answer.
and parties I don't go to
because the only fuck ups I can handle
are the ones that are on my terms.

DD

All the pictures are of him being happy with his girlfriend and working in the merchandise shop of his football club
and i think to myself
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD

The email I never sent.

dammit FIDHCK I didn't want that in writing. Or over email. Oh well.

I didn't even ask. I did make a decision though. To ask you out. I made it yesterday. On the way home after MXPS IRY84 IBG0 IA, when you went with U04- I wondered if you had slept with him and it hurt because you have no obligation to me and are free to do what you want, sleep with who you want. I then realised i am a little attached and I care for you more than i thought i did.

so that's why I made that decision yesterday. I'm annoyed because I wanted to present a case that wouldn't feel like i was addressing a problem. I feel like we really get on. Texting, and emails and long talks. the only thing that would changes is that there'd be more of it. And exclusivity. That's how you'd look at it mathematically. I've felt that you've dealt with a lot of people that have been all talk so I've been trying to show you I care through actions but sometimes talking is an action. Sometimes saying something can be the biggest, hardest thing in the world to do, if you mean it. I don't know whether to stop writing now or not. I don't want to pour what i feel, how i feel, into an email. I really don't but the last two times i saw you i pussied out of saying what i feel. So maybe I'm not ready either. I just want to be there. and to hold your hand and stuff. but I can't so just know I'll be here. heeyyyy.

Also, please don't palm any of this off on me just moving on and wanting to be with someone and you're the first. It's not that. It's you. I really like you. I feel like i can talk to you about anything and every time you're in an audience i give it my all and it comes natural. You give the best Seanface. It makes me melt.

That's why i wanted to see you today. I don't want to look at you and feel like I can't talk to you. We never talked about us until at our most drunk. there is no us though. but that's good.

It'll be easier for us to be friends if we were as friendly to each other as we are to IE6TBFO and UEBH (I really don't think i send IE6TBFO or UEBH around three emails a day)- don't you think that would be easier? I think it would.

25.11.08 15:39

oh wow dude.

your dad...he sounds like a very cool cat. i think he would have got on well with my uncle. two very down dudes with lots of talent but naughty habits. so that is where the coolness comes from dude! its like inheriting a certain colour hair or something. the cool vibes you know, the smart way with words. you must be really proud to have a pops like that. how groovy. 

i bet he digs the stories you write. right? ah how cool.

thanks for sharing it with me thunderbolt. (tips hat and grins) 

x

Sometimes I think sitting on trains.

and then when i came back everything was just worse, well i sort of forgot to eat you know? and then every day a little more bone would come and then it wasnt me anymore it was the skin all taut and stretched over lots and lots of bone. and i sort of felt like i was fading away somewhere else and i'd better get rid of the hair too in case that was too heavy now...argh. i guess it was bad. but i didnt know how bad. so when i got here, you know, and the parents saw me. well they got all upset and now things are better and the bones are going away, slowly. i'm still very thin. but at least im eating now. but the hair is gone and i miss it. because its bare bare bareness nothing to put in front and say "look at me i've got lovely long blonde hair!" now its just me. but you say i look like desire and that is better than anything because he/she rocks hard hard hard and that is awesome. so i am happy. thanks man. *hug*

lumberjack jackets. we should probably get some so we can match. it might be a good look.

sometimes i think sitting on trains x

09.11.08 00:46

there are tears streaming down my face.

thank you, you have no idea how many times thank you. i needed that more than oh god i dunno i needed that. i want to say so many things, i mean gosh man...

if you want something to work, you've got to put your love into it right? 

i'm trying. 

i've been reading your notes on facebook. you're writing, what you write-what you just wrote to me. argh i cant see my eyes are too full of tears. sean i wish i could hug you right now, i cant say anything more, i've got so much more to say, will say. i think as soon as you lost your comics i knew we were two people cut from the same dog eared cloth. and i'm sorry i was too much of a lame person to acknowledge it. 

it's dark now and the street lamps are on in washington. i can see the monuments from outside this window. i feel so far from where i want to be, but hearing from you-all the letters/words/ you just gave to me, i feel almost like myself again. sean, dude, i wish i could express how much happier you have just made me feel. argh i feel like my head is full of cotton. 

see i know you know, because you know right? just to know you know,,, ah man that's enough to make me smile. 

ok let's make a deal, if i had a knife or some sort of cool thing-you know we'd make it a blood brother deal....

i promise. i promise-i will be here for you. whenever, whatever, because i get it, and you get it. 

if that aint love then tell me what is. 

Karmel.

The cars move too fast around me

as the bus came I said goodbye to Dean

ending our debate on whether a new year really makes a difference

I think it's a good enough excuse to make one

this rain falls hard, but I still don't put my hood on.

I reflect on the best year of my life

and though i try to block it out

I know there's one regret I can't leave behind.

hey.

I never should've let go of my winter coat

the rain almost pierces through my skin

an unlucky optimist sees it as a baptism

the excuse to let go of the same old

to choose to travel down a new route

before my way gets labelled as infamy

none of these places get me to where I want to be

because none of those places put you next to me

to feel the way I used to

this new life is too close to what I've been used to

I hate that this current lifestyle is now the usual

Get up don't make love don't be touched

go out late don't know how to cry for help

get drunk, act like the texts sent themselves

I've felt like that with you, I could've done better

my apologies come in texts asking for meet ups

that between us being so busy never seem to come.

This piece has taken a few years to write.

I think we'll be friends one day.