Thursday, 27 August 2009

the last subject. the last emotion.

I know it's not love
but, i promised myself i would stop feeling a certain way
no it couldn't be because if it was we'd be
in deeper shit than i thought
but it isn't because I don't even like you.
no, that's not true, but i promised myself
(i promise myself a lot of things)
I promised to stop writing about that subject
yet neglect has not shown a rusted feel
like love was ever REAL. it's not. really.
there is no such thing, its a veil, a mask, a thing that refuses to last. then again it's hard to believe if you're a child of today where your parents where never IN love, or fell out if it.
yes if you're a teenager/ young adult of today it's hard to believe in it.
Me? I've seen it. felt it. but all i ever did was be in love. what happened to your goals, again?
have you seen these people?
it's so gross. have you ever talked to one of your friends in love? when all he ever says is "man, this is it. this is it. wow" and when you tell him how you fucking snuck around the prison level in splinter cell: double agent WITHOUT USING ONE BULLET he just says something along the lines of "yeah, i don't play video games anymore, I'm too busy having sex with the woman i love"
and how do i feel right now: angry. yes. because i fell into that spell i guess. I digressed. When time could have been better spent bettering myself i was too busy wondering how she felt.
check the poems. there are about a million of them.
don't fall deep in people. Love is a harsh thing and most people aren't ready for it. Get a job. Make some money. Love yourself and don't ever think you're below anyone else.

i don't know if this is a poem. i guess it is. for those who are wondering, obviously no the text has not been edited.

I'm me.
Yeah, I'm me.
Baby I'm me.
So who you?
Fuck you!
and i know that ain't fare
but i don't care
I'm a motherfuckin' cash money millionare.
I know that ain't fare but i don't care
I'm still a motherfuckin' cash money millionare biiitch!!!

ah weezy you make life so easy.

I remember when it WAS easy. I miss the days when my life was planned out easy. go boxing. go comedy clubs. go school. If i was still following that pattern today, i, man. i miss the comedy clubs. i miss the trainers of the times. school is different.

I'm in america and I miss my friends. Eve, Jade, Aimee, Dempsey. Hell, sometimes even Jim and Zia. I'm happy luka is around. i guess i've been hounding joey to hang out with me as soon as we get back to nyc (ahh rhymes are back) but none are a sister and none are a brother/Uwarrior.\\
Jokes in the kitchen eating the leftovers.
Jokes on the pitch shooting(and sometimes missing) hoops
Jokes that don't seem to get made anymore, laughing at fools on facebook, on youtube.
Jokes. I AM enjoying myself.
i should have brought a camera. so you could see what i see.

louise and simon are fantastic. especially louise. she is worried about me because she can tell when i feel sad. she knows im missing home but it's not her fault, i mean, being with them, waching tv, having supper, it just makes me miss my family.

I need to get to new york. everything will get better once i hit the nyc. i can...i just can there. the power of 'can'. ha! ahhh

the subject at hand was- fuck it. im not publishing this. here luka, from me to you.