Sunday, 22 November 2009

A letter to myself? about two years ago now.

A couple of weeks ago (not really, but lets go with it) I was feeling pretty down. It was just a realization that me and this chick weren't gonna get together. It's not a big deal really. At the time though I was feeling pretty blue about it. Like i didn't want to do anything anymore. So, my friend, he's a good friend but not the brightest dude I know. he invites me out. Though he brings his girlfriend. They just love each other, it's really sweet. Sickeningly so. It was terrible. I was just watching these two be 'in love' in front of me. She even took out her camera and took pictures. Why do that? Some Abhu Grhraib shit right there. They wanted to set me up with their friend, she was also rather depressed about something. A Death in her family I think. I don't think they really thought that one through. Could you imagine? The only thing that would have come from that would be a bonafide suicide pact. I met her once before though, She was quite good looking, but she blacked herself up. Y'know what I mean? Gothic. I don't get that. It's an embrace of death right? I don't really like that. Not one for the embracing. I prefer the ignoring. It's a lot more polite. Why let someone know you're like that though? Vulnerable is what you become. You don't want to do that. If there is advice I could give you, it's don't open up to anyone. Maybe write it down, or one of those letters that you never send or something. But opening yourself will only make things worse. Because people will always let you down. No one is going to love you. No one is ever going to help you out of the whole you're in and no one can ever make you feel good. Live by that, and you'll never have to put yourself in someone's hands. Just love yourself. then, I don't know.
It's weird watching my friends beat myself up over stuff like that. Relationships I mean. I tell them I don't know what the real reason is, like I don't know why they go through it. I know though. I really do. They need that special someone that 'gets' them and stuff. Although I can't really do it. I'd fuck it up. Mainly because I'm lazy. I'm just a lazy guy and I think that would drag people down. I mean, I'm not that lazy, I have reasons for it as well. Maybe it's a cycle or something.  Should check into that.
Also, my friends are young, of course. Some of these relationships are so intense it's insane. I mean really. Where are they going? And some, I see, I know people are going to get hurt because nothing really last's forever. You hope it would. Maybe it's a joy to have those arguments. That would explain it.

or does it? Relationships end, but the people don't. It wouldn't be all that bad perhaps. I'm talking about those 'Ican'tleaveyoueverandwakemeupbeforeyougogo' ones.