A better poet, more organised, more focused, on time, a good partner, I wish I was capable of enjoying what I had. Better with you. I wish I could do more for you. You're the only appointment I'm on time for. I wish I could meet someone who didn't talk down to me or could go a day without making jokes at my expense, meet someone who wouldn't immediately ask for a joke or a Poem after telling them I do that. To have more in my life besides comedy poetry and one night stands, someone who I'll see wearing my hoodie and tracksuit bottoms after working at the odeon. Going with a good thing that doesn't get ruined by bullshit complications, not going through life wanting to recreate moments but to be someone that makes new ones. A better liar with a stronger guard who was able to play games instead of blindly run to or from women he genuinely likes, falling over either way, humiliated either way. Pride grazed. Not waiting here for half an hour writing this depressing bullshit. On a date with Lauren. enough with dates. So many dates. Fuck. So many ways to get over rejection I choose the most pleasurable and most harmful. I'm more of a whore than I ever was. No one can tell. No one thinks to ask. I like it like that, allows me to not feel bad and act like I'm not like that, but it hurts. Of course it does and and and you've got to keep moving, away from me please. I treat women like my gigs; do the best you can in fifteen to twenty minutes, hope you get booked back and you're recommended to friends- and that there's always something better out there. Doesn't mean you can appreciate the moment when it comes, just sucks when the best venues no longer book you, go a new route and when you pop in it's so unusual. The world goes on like it never needed you.
More than a comedian, the best comedian. less a figure, more a person