I write piece (for rubix)

I write
as if she's still here
and is about to leave
and, I'm picking up
the first words I can see
As my fingers type away at a breakneck pace,
You hear what I'm saying but I'm not saying it right,
These pieces I revise,
rehearse and recite
every night.
Still talking to her,
like she's still here,
like she can hear-
And every line has her closer to
changing her mind
And at the end of every poem and gig
I see it's in vein.
one half's stuck the other
still reaching for the past

I write
with a cut in half heart
on top of whatever my fingers get hold of;
papers, electrical devices and bathroom doors
every moment alone I sacrifice myself into us
I perfect the craft so she'll see what I've become
And how I've grown, yet am still the same
the pen took
pain
as a gift
Our moments
refined in
my mind is
turning coals in-
-to diamonds
I've erased the
arguments,
neediness,
the silences
what was is filtered to it's purest
And staged as a play named
the love we should of kept sacred
Through these pages I preserve
the love she left.
She left me naked
No barriers, I'm all core
I didn't have this talent before
I'd rather be terrible with the pen
and have someone to come home for
and I don't know I don't know If i love her anymore,
it was as soon as i thought I was getting over her
I started performing about her.
It's so hard to live without her
to finally admit it's game over

I write
so I can still make her to feel good
because despite the bullshit i've been
through
I remember in the life before this,
love was gossip and
a touch with purpose
was unheard of.
That's why these words constantly
spill
I wont write for anything else
because her touch is the only thing I've felt
I want her to read these, not out of anger,
like I'm the victor,
I't s not about turning a profit from
heartbreak
It's to see that even when it got ugly
this love was still beautiful to me
I write to wipe away the tears from
her leaving me
and to thank her for the time she
spent with me.

Been writing a lot lately

And.... Scene

My name is Sean Mahoney and
I'll be playing the part of a stand-up
stepped-on guy who loses his mind
every time he follows his heart.
Yet to understand he'll never figure
out how love works and every
analysis results in him feeling worse.

And.... Action

Recently I haven't been happy with
whatever I've tried to write.
It's like my head is bobbing above life.
And I'm too scared to dive
as if I can't do it twice.
But it's not twice. It's still once.
I can't pretend I'm removed when
I still fall in love with women like you.

It's a subject I don't like to touch
because if I really delve it'll only prove
that I'm only really in love with
hurting myself.
So you're not a woman I'd like to write about
but live with,
but I find it so hard to tell women I like them
Picking up art forms, while real men walk in
Free write brimstone ballet blogpost bullshit
As i see you walk off with him
I'm so scared of falling in love again
It's only good for my pen
I dived in before learning how to swim
Now instead of acting like i've learnt something
I'm watching myself do the exact same things
and its not even entertaining and it pains me
to hide myself when around the one woman i trust
I wish i could tell you, to your face, you're all i want.
But. I can't.
Maybe you're no the right one or
I've just been far too gone for far too long
but every time i'm close to atonement I
freeze in the moment.
Try to freeze the moment.
I can't hold it I try to control it as if it
should be altered but we'll never move forward
if i keep being so fucking awkward.
and now you really have walked off
and now I'm too far down to swim
back up
sunken.
Slumped in
the bottom of the ocean
blinded from the regret of ruining the moment.
crushed from the pressure that comes from
a pride too big to admit humiliation.
The loss of a woman
the failure to convince a
commitment to the connection you
had with a loved one.

I'm picking up the pieces again.
too far gone for a friend
at loss for an end
grab the first promise at hand
I promise to never do this again
Don't risk don't give still live just resist
the feeling you get that makes you think
in two months you'll be writing something
like this.
I don't know if I can do it.
end of the day, I'm a gamblers kid
lower i get the more i think i'll win big
just one more kiss and I'll be wanted
only, less damaged can take the pain
but not the nothing, not here for penance
just give me something. something to
hold on to. I try so hard
to not let my insecurities get in the way
of loving you.
Truth is you're not as into me as
I am into you.
Fuck.

Twist it.

I Fight for the one I live with
because life without her doesn't make sense
And no text can express the mess we're in.
I did it I let you be my friend as if that was what I wanted
Now I live with consequence of the enthusiasm
I really thought I could handle the situation
But now I have to hear you talk about him
and ask me when the right man will come
when you're the only girl i could ever want
meaning I can't stop in fear the wrong word will have you gone.
I just look for things to lean on. Bannisters
Tears on staircases I come back in and act like I've been places
unexplained absences when really i just fought my resistance
you're the best and worse person to live with
I'm ripped apart, unable to pick a new start
because the belief that you're the completion of me
means you'll be the end of all my paths.

new life rant.

A better poet, more organised, more focused, on time, a good partner, I wish I was capable of enjoying what I had. Better with you. I wish I could do more for you. You're the only appointment I'm on time for. I wish I could meet someone who didn't talk down to me or could go a day without making jokes at my expense, meet someone who wouldn't immediately ask for a joke or a Poem after telling them I do that. To have more in my life besides comedy poetry and one night stands, someone who I'll see wearing my hoodie and tracksuit bottoms after working at the odeon. Going with a good thing that doesn't get ruined by bullshit complications, not going through life wanting to recreate moments but to be someone that makes new ones. A better liar with a stronger guard who was able to play games instead of blindly run to or from women he genuinely likes, falling over either way, humiliated either way. Pride grazed. Not waiting here for half an hour writing this depressing bullshit. On a date with Lauren. enough with dates. So many dates. Fuck. So many ways to get over rejection I choose the most pleasurable and most harmful. I'm more of a whore than I ever was. No one can tell. No one thinks to ask. I like it like that, allows me to not feel bad and act like I'm not like that, but it hurts. Of course it does and and and you've got to keep moving, away from me please. I treat women like my gigs; do the best you can in fifteen to twenty minutes, hope you get booked back and you're recommended to friends- and that there's always something better out there. Doesn't mean you can appreciate the moment when it comes, just sucks when the best venues no longer book you, go a new route and when you pop in it's so unusual. The world goes on like it never needed you.

More than a comedian, the best comedian. less a figure, more a person 

Held close.

Hold me like I can't breathe
And kiss me so I can't speak

Block the door so I can't leave
Tell me you're all I'll ever need

In your heart let me find peace
Be all that refuses to rest within me.

Because confessions of love
Don't come from my mouth

I'll leave the door unlocked for you to run out
Arms won't even reach round

My eyes are as dulled as my smile
But will always remember, the exceptions don't count.

And lost more brilliant women than I care to count,
But in my long list of regrets they don't count

Because love is what love was and will always be
The only element that can't be controlled by me

Feel free
Leave me

My eyes are only weary
Because
They're still trying to see.

Too cautious to hold
And too unwilling to control
Stuck lost cold

Aged weathered old
Let the door revolve
As I hope to evolve

and get to the point
where I know I've grown.

runaway

we never hear the world move
my joints will creak when i groove
weeks turn to months and months turn to years
and years turn to a life we forgot to live
I don't want to be living a life that doesn't feel right to me

i'll get myself together, lie to everyone planning my future
can i keep my wide eyes, trade my lifestyle for a nice girl?
I want to be top of the world but hate to be in a small circle.

Well, that sucks.

you're here you're in. oh good.

yay! You're out you're gone.

That's fine. I'll fuck someone then.

You called and I'm out boo!

that sucks, now i can't fuck

because I'll want to call you back

you shouldn't do that.

I don't know if you know that

that you shouldn't do that.

or ask about where i've been

after you haven't seen me

Not if you want to see me- get it?

I'm a comedian. you back yet?

can i leave them yet?

I like being single

but not if I'm waiting for you

and you told me not to

but when you look at me

which happens rarely

i mean actually, actual

eye contact and smile-

to wait for long-whatever it takes.

Doable. Just a while

I make mistakes all the time

i tell them all to you

every name of every girl i screw

as if I'm over you
fucking them to prove to you

we can even joke about them

to the point where I'm a joke to you
I'm here I'm back it was terrible
you smell good. Your hairs up.
That's cool. Whatever. I like it.
I'm going home if you want to stay the night.
If you want I mean we can just talk
I can make you tea and you can make fun of me
and then we can get deep and you can need me
not that i give a fuck- I'm with other women
if you hadn't noticed I'm, I'm with other women
should I continue to tell you?
How I'm fucking them to forget you
fucking them to fuck with you
not that it should hurt you to be without me
right? i hope not. Honest.
Just kidding, I miss you.
but you're going to be single
and you told me not to wait for you
but still i play the fool
in an attempt to respect your wishes
and act like a dickhead
wo the girls I've neglected
the girls I've slept with.

Why be mean to those who want to be with me
that's silly. I'm a comedian.
Get it?