Saturday, 30 April 2011

A character study.

The man acted like a character in plays he rehearsed for. The child acted like a man.
So childish. He didn't really respect himself until he got help- even then it was hatred
of self that became a motivation to do something. I don't know. Maybe that's not true.
He just can't remember the laughs he's had along the way anymore. Only now.
Only now do things seem to fit. Fitted. There's a spanner that's been thrown into the works.
He's not talking-fuck the third person- I'm not going to talk about it.
but i feel like I have to. but i don't want my insecurities to get in the way of loving you.
At the end of the day everyone is fucked up. Everyone is a bit of a nob. You just have to find
someone that can accept how fucked up you are. Laugh at it and laugh with them and their (and your)
failings. And victories. Someone who's worth going through it with. I was told that a relationship is worth the compromise. That stood with me until i just wrote that and figured out that when you really love someone it isn't a compromise. It's everything you want. She- argh. No. To write about her would be wrong. To write poetry is to write about another moment gone. To romanticise the situation. If i said you were- no. No. I'm not talking about her (you? I know you're reading this. It's terrible ins't it. pretending like this a poem or something) I'm talking about love. But this is called character study. I don't think i wanted it to be about that. I don't know where I'm going with this.
every pause is because I've bitten my tongue in an attempt to stop myself from asking you what's going on. Where we're going with this. Dude that's not even it. I just want to kiss. I think we're a perfect fit. I really do and it's getting worse we're drifting away and I don't even need to write this I just need to say- i just need to take and i can see that you want me to- but swear to god it's only afterwards, when you go in for a second hug, or text for nothing when i wake up. I think about you too. I think about you a lot but I realise i've done actually nothing to move US forward. I've never called you to drink, to chat- the most I've done is say yes to every request you've thrown at me, running to you for the pure reason I know I'm within running distance from you. From you? The excuse is I don't want to hurt you like others have done. When you talk about being hurt when it came to step up or jump the hurdles they'd run from what could have become something special. Like- what if i did that? Like- have i forgot who i am? If there's one thing I've ever been it's loyal. I stuck with sega- when everyone had a playstation I rocked the saturn with pride, even when the dreamcast died stuck by it's side- I've been so loyal it usually results with me getting hurt. Weirdly I decide to sink in a ship that never had me as it's captain. So no that's not it. I think I've figured out why I'm writing this, it's to figure out and analyse every excuse i've made to stop myself from talking to you. the phone is right next to this laptop. Why don't I phone you? why don't we talk it out? Rejection I guess. If it's as simple as that.
Which in a lot of ways it is, if i go about it wrong I'll just ask you in this either don't give a fuck non-chalant or already defeated forlorn manner that will topple the planning altogether but that's a mind state that's bound to end everything in disaster- the perfect moments aren't planned, they're just.... moments when your'e in. The best kisses aren't at alters but train stations and bedrooms okay I've never been married i don't know if that's true but you get what I'm saying. You. Who? This is to me. In a year I'll put it up and i'll either laugh or hate myself by seeing how insecure i was. I thought you slept with a mutual friend last night. I don't mind if you did. of course i do. I love you. I love you.